The life I'll never have
by Kayxxx
Summary: Ethan isn't coping very well with his newly discovered diagnosis, that is until he has an idea; he'll write a book. Cal, being Cal, can't help but be concerned for his brother. It's all going to end in tears, right? "This is a story of what could of been if I didn't discover my body was breaking down inside of me, this is the story of the life I'll never have" - Ethan Hardy.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everyone! I didn't get much sleep last night and so I started to write up this story that I thought up a few months ago. You may have to bear with me for updates as this story is literally being written as it is being posted; I hope you don't mind a short wait too much but I do have the first three chapters pretty much written up already.**

 **Ethan isn't coping very well with his newly discovered diagnosis, that is until he has an idea; he'll write a book. This book allows him to escape his nightmare life for his dream life, but Cal, being Cal, can't help but be concerned for his brother. It's all going to end in tears, right?**

 **I've taken a few bits from the show which I'm sure you'll recognise. I really hope you enjoy and please keep letting me know your thoughts on each chapter I love hearing what you think and more often than not your comments trigger something to add to my stories and so please keep them coming in. Here is "The life I'll never have", happy reading, Kayxxx :)**

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The life I'll never have – Chapter One

It had been two weeks since the death of Emilie which also meant it had been two weeks since Ethan had found out he carries the Huntington's gene. He'd spent this time locked away in his bedroom, only coming out to go to work and that's it. Even when he was at work he wasn't fully _there,_ it was like he'd created a bubble, an 'antiseptic Ethan bubble' as Cal would call it, but as time went by Cal was getting more and more concerned for the wellbeing of his brother; him missing the funeral of their mother being the first trigger. He hadn't had a proper conversation with him since the day their mother died. His brother wasn't okay and he had to do something about it.

"Ethan?" Cal called as he knocked on his bedroom door. He got no reply but he's gotten used to that over the past two weeks.

"Ethan I'm going out with Max and Jez and some others from work, do you want to come?" He asked enthusiastically but he already knew the reply he would get...nothing. Cal sighed deeply and opened up his brother's door to find him slam his laptop shut suddenly.

"Caleb!" Ethan barked with fright.

"Woah what's going on here then" Cal smirked knowingly, Ethan looked at him confused, "don't mind me you seem to be enjoying yourself enough already tonight, I'll leave you to it" he held his hands up and head for the door.

"Leave me to what?" Ethan asked obliviously.

"Come on we're not fifth-teen years old" Cal told him as he folded his arms and watched him amused but his brother still continued to look on confused, "you don't have to be embarrassed, watching porn is completely normal-" Ethan cut his brother's smug explanation off.

"What? No no no Caleb, don't be so ridiculous!" Ethan snapped as he grabbed his laptop and opened it up, "look" Ethan told him.

"Are you sure? I mean...this stuff is private-" Cal teased but Ethan cut him off again.

"Just look" he urged as he rolled his eyes at his brother's immaturity.

Cal took a seat on the edge of Ethan's bed and looked at his laptop screen, "a word document?" He stated confused, "some type of dirty online novel?" He asked warily.

"No Cal, why are you so set on the fact I'm on porn?!" Ethan snapped.

"Well I'm just saying you slammed your laptop shut pretty fast as I came in and the only reason I could think of doing that is, well..." Cal smirked.

Ethan sighed deeply, "You just startled me that's all" he told him.

"So what's this then?" Cal asked as he grabbed hold of his laptop, he thought changing the subject would be for the best as his brotherly teasing was getting on Ethan's nerves and that's the last thing he needed.

"I'm writing a book if you must know" Ethan told him sheepishly.

Cal looked at him warily for a moment, wondering whether he was being serious or not, "a book?" He asked, "You're writing a book?" He asked again but this time with a smirk.

"Yes yes I know, to you it's ridiculous but, I don't know it's helping me cope, with, things..." Ethan trailed off awkwardly.

Cal nodded, "so what's it about then?" He asked as he scrolled through the pages, he scrolled to the top and read the title, "'the life I'll never have'?" Cal asked as he raised his eyebrows.

"The story isn't as depressing as the title" Ethan smiled, "but it's pretty self explanatory, it's about what my life could be in years to come, if I didn't have...well, you know" he trailed off once more, "Emilie inspired it actually, when she asked me about the story of me and Kate, it got my mind wondering of what could be" he stated.

"Ethan you could still have that life, your Huntington's couldn't kick in for God, another twenty years!" Cal tried to break through to him, "don't give up now" he told him sincerely. Ethan just nodded slowly, it was going to take more than that to break through to him, he'd just been told he's going to have a terminal illness obviously it's going to take a while to get used to. "Look, come out for a drink with us?" Cal asked hopefully.

Ethan looked down and shook his head, "I think I'll give it a miss" he told him.

Cal debated trying to twist him arm but his figured if he was up for coming, he'd come. He stood up to leave and stopped at the door.

"Thanks for the invite though, I really appreciate it" Ethan forced out a smile.

Cal nodded in reply, "how about I bring a pizza in for us? We can have a few beers and talk?" He suggested.

Ethan thought about it for a moment, "actually, that sounds great" he replied.

Cal looked at his little brother for a moment, sat in his pyjamas in bed; he'd never seen someone look so lost and so broken. He'd treated many patients over the years but he'd never seen someone so physically shattered. Maybe it was because he knew his brother, he was used to that natural twinkle he had in his kind warm eyes, but that twinkle was now gone; he'd lost it. His eyes looked like tunnels, deep, dark tunnels that only saw one outcome in life which made him lose any will power to smile, to try...to live. This wasn't like his brother at all, but he couldn't make a big thing out of it, that would only set him back. He could only hope this book his brother said was 'helping him cope' was actually doing its job, although he didn't look like he was coping very well. Cal took in a deep breath and smiled at him.

"Okay" He told him before he left.

Cal was determined to get through the night so he could get home to Ethan and talk. It was a big step Ethan agreeing to talk with him and Cal was very much looking forward to it, though every time he tried to call it a night someone would persuade him into staying out a bit longer, "just one more drink" Max would plead, but that one more drink turned into five more drinks and 12am turned into 2am very quickly...he stumbled through the door at half two in the morning with a pizza and some beers as he'd promised his brother. He wasn't surprised when he found the apartment in complete darkness, it always was these days.

"Oh Nibbles!" Cal called as he placed the pizza and beers down in the kitchen, "I'm home, we can talk now!" He called as he made his way to his brother's bedroom once more, "Ethan?" He spoke from outside the door, "I'm going to come in so if you're on porn this is your warning" Cal slurred drunkenly as he laughed to himself. He opened up his brother's bedroom door to find he was fast asleep huddled up in his duvet, "what?" Cal spat out disappointedly, "what happened to our talk? Eh? Our pizza and beers bonding session?" Cal sighed as he made his way over to his brother who stirred in his sleep, "Shh no no, don't wake up...you need to sleep. Forget about the pizza, it's always best the next day anyway" He spoke softly as he took a seat on his bed beside his sleeping brother. He sat there for a moment, in the darkness of his room and listened to the sound of Ethan breathing as he slept; it was so soothing to hear.

"You know, I'm just glad you're finally getting some sleep" Cal whispered, "You haven't been sleeping lately have you?" He asked, "You can tell just by the bags under your eyes" he stated sadly, "maybe that book you're writing _is_ helping you out eh?" He asked as he looked at the laptop that had been placed on the other side of Ethan's bed. He made his way around and took a seat, "let's see what's in here shall we?" He spoke as he opened up the laptop, the light from the screen gave the room enough lighting for him to see his brother's face, "you look so peaceful" Cal sighed, "I suppose everyone does when they sleep though don't they? Well maybe not Uncle Pat, remember him? He'd fall asleep on the couch every time we'd visit and we'd sit there and hope for flies to fly into his mouth it'd be open that wide" he smiled to himself as he reminisced, "they never did though, unfortunately" he added, "no, but sleep is peaceful, it's the one way you can escape life for a few hours right? That's got to be peaceful, especially when you're going through what you're going through" he shook his head and looked back up at the laptop screen and skimmed over Ethan's book, "Café girl Kate's name keeps popping up" Cal spoke teasingly, "you really liked her didn't you?" He grinned as he continued to read, "Oh, there's me..." His voice trailed off as he read into what his brother had written about him, it brought a tear to his eye but not for any good reason, " _'at times I wish it was him who'd been cursed with this awful disease...but he's fine, Caleb is just perfect as he always has been. He goes wherever he wants, he gets everything he wants; career, women, everything comes so easy to him. I work hard, I'm the good one. I've always been the good one and I don't deserve this...maybe he does'-"_ Cal cut himself off there as he could feel himself chocking up. He looked down at his brother but he could no longer see him through the blur of tears in his eyes, he shook his head and closed the laptop.

"I'm so sorry Ethan" he whimpered, "I wish it was me who had it too if it meant you didn't" he wiped his tears away with the back of his hand before he left.


	2. Chapter 2

**Hello everyone! Here is the next chapter to "The life I'll never have". Every chapter I post will include a section of Ethan's book in it so you can get an idea of what he's writing. I hope you enjoy and think putting parts of Ethan's book in each chapter is a good idea. Please let me know your thoughts as always and thanks for the reviews on the first chapter, Kayxxx :)**

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The life I'll never have – Chapter two

 _"_ _She was such a beautiful girl; her deep chocolate brown eyes were the first thing I noticed about her. There wasn't much time to notice much else about her as I was too busy fussing over mum, though, this day had taken a drastic turn for her so she deserved to be fussed over I suppose. I also noticed her witty sarcasm she used when she spoke to me, that was always something I admired and finding it in a girl had proven tough, well that was until I met her. My brother idiotically suggested she come on the trip but I couldn't really find the words to ask her, 'hey, would you like to accompany me to the beach to be there whilst my mother dies?' I'm not too sure that would go down too well. Luckily she declined, but I'm not beginning to wonder whether that was the lucky thing as now I'm at home a week later, sat staring at her phone number she'd messily scribbled onto a napkin and handed to my mother before we left. I've just discovered I've got my entire life ahead of me as me and my brother both tested negative for the Huntington's disease gene that killed our mother last week, I feel as though I've got a new lease on life, I don't want it to go to waste. I want to grab life by the handle bars yet I'm sat, staring at this napkin debating calling her...my brother's words run through my mind, 'Call her Ethan, she was into you and you were definitely into her, you've just been given your life back so stop holding back' he told me as he got ready to go for a night out in town, he was using his new lease on life as he always had done, going out drinking and having one night stands. Not really my forte if I'm being completely honest. I took a deep breath and typed in her number, I listening to the sound of the phone ringing, my heart beating hard in my chest. Just as I was about to chicken out the ringing stopped and a familiar voice answered, "Hello?" She spoke. My heart had well and truly sunk, this isn't a 'me' thing to do yet here I was doing it..."Hi, is this Kate?" I asked. Oh, that's her name by the way, wonderful, wonderful Kate."_ \- Ethan Hardy, The life I'll never have.

Ethan shut his laptop and made his way into the kitchen, "Morning" Ethan spoke as he walked in where his brother sat at the table eating the pizza that was meant for them both last night; it was now stone cold, "oh the pizza!" He spoke out in realisation, "sorry Caleb I must've fallen asleep" he told him.

"It's okay, don't worry about it" Cal replied; he seemed distant.

"Are you sure?" Ethan asked warily.

"Yeah, it's pizza of course it's going to get eaten" Cal told him with a smile, "how are you feeling?" He asked.

"Fine" Ethan replied; it was often his answer to that question, "Why are you up so early? Have you been called into work?" Ethan asked as he got some cereal from a cupboard.

Cal shook his head, "I couldn't sleep" he told him.

"What time did you get in?" Ethan asked.

"About half two" Cal shrugged as he ate some more pizza.

"I must have been spark out by then" Ethan told him as he made his cereal.

"Yeah you were, I came in to get the laptop last night I hope you don't mind" Cal told him.

Ethan looked at him warily, "no" he shrugged. He sat down and started to eat, Cal watched his every move intently.

"I read a bit of your book" Cal told him as Ethan continued to eat, "that Kate is mentioned a lot" he stated, "Why don't you call her? You've still got her number right?" He asked.

Ethan shook his head, "The whole point of that book is that it's about things that will never happen, like I probably won't live until I'm 70, or I won't have a load of children. I won't call Kate because I can't" Ethan told him.

"Just like how I won't get Huntington's disease because I can't" Cal stated mournfully.

Ethan sighed deeply, he was afraid his brother had seen that part, "Caleb, that's not part of the book I was just feeling down and I had to get that out somewhere, and it's completely not true okay? No one deserves this, no one. I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything I wrote I was just venting" he told him sincerely, "Cal I wouldn't wish this on anybody, especially you, you're all I've got" he added.

Cal nodded. He was just happy Ethan was finally talking, "so, why can't you call Kate?" He asked.

"Because it would be selfish, she deserves a happy life with someone she can live to grow old with and have loads of children with and I can't give her that" Ethan told him as he washed his bowl.

"You can have children, Ethan we're living proof of that" Cal shrugged.

"Yes, but there's a 50/50 chance of me passing down Huntington's to them and I'd rather not have children than curse them with a terminal illness" Ethan told him sadly, "I don't want them hating me for giving them an incurable disease, I mean how selfish would that be of me?" He asked, "I'm not saying I hate Emilie for passing it down to me, it was different with her she didn't know she had it but I do, and I know the consequences that come along with it and there's no way I'd give that to a poor innocent defenceless child to live with for the rest of its life" He shook his head.

Cal watched as his brother build tears in his eyes.

"I've always wanted kids" Ethan swallowed hard, "I mean not now, but maybe one day" he nodded as his tears escaped his eyes, he bit his lip to try to stop him from crying, "it's the little things, like them crying at four am in the morning for no other reason than the fact they miss you, or them taking their first steps and the pride and love you'd feel every single second of the day for the rest of their lives as you physically see the life you've created turn into such a wonderful human being" Ethan whimpered, "I'll never get that" he added as he took off his glasses and wiped his tears away with the back of his hand.

"Ethan..." Cal sighed sadly; he hated seeing him like this.

"You better have kids Caleb, I want loads of nieces and nephews to fuss over" he told him jokingly but there was a hint of seriousness.

"You could adopt?" Cal suggested, "We were adopted and we had a pretty good life?" he shrugged.

But Ethan just squeezed his eyes shut tightly, "I miss mum" he cried, "she'd make everything better, she was always brilliant at that" he sniffed.

Cal knew he meant their adoptive mother Matilda, not their birth mother Emilie, "Come here" Cal didn't know what else to say he just opened his arms for a hug.

"No, don't" Ethan told him as he wiped away his tears once more, "I'm fine" he sniffed, "I've got to go to work now" he nodded and walked to his bedroom to get dressed.

"What happens next?" Cal asked as he reached his door, Ethan stopped and turned to face him.

"What do you mean?" He asked confused.

"In your book, what happens next? Do you and Kate go on a date?" Cal asked causing a smile to grow across Ethan's face.

"Ah, you'll have to wait and see" he told him.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everyone! Thanks for the reviews on my last chapter they helped out a lot. I hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

The life I'll never have – Chapter three

 _My perception on life was changed quite drastically. The things I didn't want at the time I now wanted desperately: a girlfriend that would eventually turn into a wife, time to travel and see the world, a house of my own, a few dogs, and eventually...children. Now from that point on - me discovering my diagnosis that is - all off those wishes seemed so distant and impossible to make a reality and so this is a story of what could of been if I didn't discover my body was breaking down inside of me, this is the story of the life I'll never have"_ EthanHardy - The life I'll never have.

Ethan was sat on the couch with his head buried into his laptop typing away as he always was these days. He was working on the blurb of his book for today, he always loved reading the blurbs of books; they are what drags you in. His book was quickly becoming his favourite way to pass time. It was like he'd decided to blank out the whole of reality and instead lived inside his book. Cal could think of better ways his brother could be coping.

"What's happening in your book now?" Cal asked, it seemed to be the only way of getting any conversation out of his younger a brother.

He closed his laptop over and sat up excitedly, "Kate and I are on our first date, a three hour movie with subtitles that she suggested" Ethan grinned, "I took that part from you" he added.

"And?" Cal asked.

"Oh, she's definitely the one" he smiled and for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime his smile seemed genuine.

Cal looked at him warily, his brother always was one for getting caught up in the imaginary life that lived within books, but this time he seemed to be taking it a step too far. It was as though he believed every word he wrote which Cal could only see causing more damage than it would help him cope. "I was wondering, how about you go and see someone?" Cal suggested.

"Someone?" Ethan looked at him confused.

"Like a psychiatrist" he shrugged.

Ethan's face dropped, "and why would I want to do that?" He mumbled.

"Because it must be hard, dealing with your diagnosis" Cal told him.

Ethan looked toward the ground, "yes, yes, it is..." He trailed off.

Cal could physically see the life drain from his brother, he felt awful for dragging him back into reality but it had to be done. Ethan slowly closed his laptop and stood up, "come on, we're going to be late" he muttered as he placed his laptop in his briefcase and head for the door.

"Evening boys" Charlie smiled as the brother's made their way through the ED doors. Ethan just ignored him and head straight for the staff room, "still not dealing well?" Charlie asked sadly.

"No" Cal replied.

"What?" Charlie asked knowingly, "what are you hiding?" He asked. He'd grown closer to Cal over this entire situation and he could tell when something wasn't right.

"He's writing a book" Cal told him.

"Good for him" Charlie smiled.

"No, no you don't get it, it's like he's writing some make believe story about his life. He says it helps him cope and it does because I can see the excitement in his face when he talks about it but...it's all he does talk about these days, and well, it's just a book. I feel like he's getting too caught up in it, you know?" Cal told him.

"Maybe getting lost in a book is what he needs right now" Charlie replied.

Cal sighed deeply, "But Charlie-" the older man cut him off.

"Just leave him to do what he wants to do Caleb, if it were you who'd just been diagnosed what would you do? Probably go out, get drunk and end up in a different girl's bed every night, right?" Charlie asked knowingly and after a bit of thought Cal nodded, "Ethan's writing a book, what's the big deal?" He shrugged as he smiled at him, "get your scrubs on and stop worrying will you?" He patted him on the back.

Ethan spent the day in cubicles. His shift really seemed to drag; the worst he'd dealt with all day was a broken rip. All he could think about was getting back to his book. Things used to be so different, he used to look forward to work and saving lives, but for the first time ever he felt it was his job, never had he seen his job as a job, it was more of a passion but not anymore. Life just didn't seem the same anymore and he was desperate to get back to normal.

"Ethan, fancy a drink?" Max asked as he made his way through reception.

He automatically shook his head at his request but then he thought about it, "actually, why not?" he replied with a shrug; this was often his brother's way of coping so he may as well give it a whirl.

"Great!" Max grinned.

"Seriously?" Cal asked surprised, Ethan nodded, "you're not going to sit there looking gormless drinking orange juice all night are you?" He spoke in dread.

"No actually, I think you'll be the one to help carry me home tonight" Ethan replied causing a huge grin to grow on his older brother's face.

"Bring it on!" He cheered.

A good few hours later and the pair of them stumbled through the door, "well that was fun" Cal announced as he head to the kitchen.

Ethan made his way straight to the couch and lay down, "is it really 3am?" He asked as he tried to make out the time on his watch.

"That's the sign of a good night that is" Cal grinned as he came into the living room and observed his drunken younger brother who lay across the couch.

Ethan felt his face around his eyes, "I'm sure I owned glasses when I left right?" He slurred causing Cal to laugh.

"Here, you'll need this" Cal smirked as he handed his brother a glass of water.

"More vodka?" Ethan asked excitedly as he sat himself up.

"No, you had enough vodka to do you a lifetime tonight" Cal smiled, "its water" he told him.

"Boooo!" Ethan whined jokingly as he took a sip.

"This isn't like you at all" Cal laughed as he sat beside his brother who was much more drunk than he was, even though he's drank a hell of a lot less than his older brother, "you know I don't think I've ever seen you this drunk" he added as Ethan rested his head back against the couch and closed his eyes.

"The room is spinning" he mumbled.

"It would be yeah" Cal chuckled, "I don't think you've ever drank vodka before have you?" He asked as he though back, "and you definitely didn't take it easy...oh you're going to feel it tomorrow" he told him amused.

But suddenly Ethan held his head in his hands and burst into tears, "it hasn't changed anything though has it?" He cried, "I've still got Huntington's disease haven't I?" He looked up at his brother who looked at him surprised, "I tried to be like you, and drink my sorrows away but they're still here" he told him as more tears traced his cheeks.

"If I knew you wanted to forget I would've gotten you something stronger to drink" Cal told him.

"I don't even know why I'm crying" Ethan sobbed.

"It's the vodka, it tends to have that affect on people" Cal spoke jokingly causing Ethan to smile.

"I can't even get drunk right" he sniffed.

Cal laughed in reply, "come on let's get you to bed shall we?" He spoke as he helped him to his feet.

"I wish I was getting into bed beside Kate, she'd look after me" Ethan spoke as he led him away.

"I'm not sharing a bed with you if that's you're getting at" Cal told him causing him to smile once more.

Cal sat his brother down on his bed and helped him take off his shoes, "When we diagnose people, and we send them off, we don't think of the aftermath do we? We move straight on to our next patient and we almost completely forget about them before they've even left the car park. We don't think about this part, that they're frightened and tired and that their whole lives have been turned upside down, we never think about this part" Ethan said as he rested his head against the pillow and closed his eyes.

Ethan's drunken words opened Cal's eyes, everything he'd just said was true, he'd never thought about how a patient was dealing, he diagnosed them and that's it, he got on with his job. He never thought people would be suffering just as his brother is right now.

"Ethan I'm here for you, you know that right? I always will be, for the rest of your life. You don't need to bury yourself into some book to cope, I _can_ help you-" Cal was cut off when Ethan let out a light snore; he'd fallen asleep. Cal smiled sadly, "you get yourself some sleep and I'll be ready with two paracetamol and some water for that hangover in the morning" he whispered before he left.


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello everyone! Here's the next chapter. I might be going away for a month or so for work starting Friday and I'm not sure if the place I'm going to will have good wifi, if not you might have to wait awhile for the next updates to my stories which I hope you understand, any chance I get I'll try to update but please don't hate me too much! I hope you enjoy this chapter, please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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The life I'll never have – Chapter four

 _"_ _...I was sure this was what I wanted and I was pretty sure it was what she wanted too...it was the going about it that was the hard part. I'm not particularly the most confident of people as you've probably gotten to know by now. There were only a few things in life I was confident on. The first being medicine of course, if you aren't confident when someone's life is literally in your hands, let's face it, it's not really going to end well. The second was that my brother Caleb would definitely end up living with me for the rest of his life, well; I'll move him into the basement of my future house and feed him every now and then, but never after midnight! Sorry...Caleb if you ever read this (which I doubt highly as I've never seen you finish a book) I apologise to comparing you to a gremlin, sort of. The third thing I was confident on was only a newly discovered thing, I was confident that I was in love with Kate Daniel, in fact, I don't think I've ever been so confident on anything before in my life and so that's why I'm sure this is what I want, I want to make the wonderful Kate Daniels, the wonderful Mrs Hardy. I can only hope she would like that too but I'm sure I'll find out soon enough..."_ Ethan Hardy – The life I'll never have.

Ethan woke at 11:30am, which to him was a lay in. Although it was nearly noon and it was light outside his room was darkened by his blackout curtains that hadn't yet been opened. He wrapped himself up in his duvet and sunk his head into his pillow hoping it would somehow help his aching skull. The ache in his head came in tides, yet it never fully disappeared, and the nausea he felt came in waves of gurgles and lurches in his stomach. He squeezed his eyes tight yet he could still feel the room around him spinning. He reached for his glasses and put them on; he took a deep breath and eventually found the will to drag himself from his bed. As he stood the room around him swayed causing him to lose balance, he felt as though he was on a ship; he did tend to get seasick. He held his hand to the wall hoping that would steady him but it didn't help at all and he hit the floor with a thump. He rolled over and lay on his back looking up at the ceiling, "so _this_ is a hangover" he groaned to himself as he brought his hands up to his head and ran his hands through his hair. He looked down to find he was still in yesterday's clothes, he reeked of alcohol and sweat; he felt disgusting. The first thing on his to do list for today was definitely a shower. He sat himself up and reached for his phone; every movement he made felt as though it was slow motion. He sighed when he noticed how much of his day he'd already wasted by sleeping in but that wasn't what caught his attention...he had a text from a number he didn't have saved in his phone, _"How's your head this morning, Nibbles? K x"_ it read.

"K?" Ethan whispered to himself, "who's K?" He thought on, "I don't know anyone whose name begins with K" he shook his head as he continued to think, "The only person I know whose name begins with K is Kate and well...no, no no! It can't be surely?" He panicked as he read the number; realisation grew over him quickly, "Kate!" Ethan spat out as he went through his call log frantically to find he'd dialled her number numerous amounts of times last night. His nausea now hit him harder than ever, "Caleb!" He shouted, "Cal!" He yelled.

"What?" Cal called as he hurried in, "what are you doing on the floor?" He asked confused.

"Last night, was I on the phone at any point?" Ethan asked him desperately.

"Are you kidding me? As the night went on you were barely off it" Cal told him.

"What?!" Ethan snapped, "you didn't think to stop me?!" He shouted angrily.

"Stop you from what?" Cal shrugged, "who've you got to drunkenly call? Well, besides Honey..." he stated as he watched his brother warily, "you called Honey?!" Cal asked amused.

"No, no, no...Much worse" Ethan replied, "I called Kate!"

Cal's jaw dropped as he took a seat on the floor beside his brother; "way to go Ethan" he smirked as he nudged his shoulder.

"Way to go? Way to go?!" Ethan shouted, "Caleb I have no recollection of last night what so ever, I don't even remember getting home. Oh what have I said to her?" He sighed as he rested his head against the wall and closed his eyes.

"Well..." Cal started, "there's only one way to find out" he grinned as his brother looked at him in dread.

"I can't believe you've talked me into this" Ethan whispered as the phone rang, Cal had persuaded him to call Kate back.

"Hey she text you back the next morning, she must be thinking of you" Cal teased.

Ethan held his breath as he waited for her to answer, "oh this is ridiculous, I'm hanging up-" but he was cut off by a voice at the other end of the phone. Cal shushed him frantically.

"Hello?" She answered the phone.

Ethan's heart sunk, he opened his mouth to speak but no words come out. Cal punched his arm forcefully, "ouch!" Ethan muttered as he hit him back.

"Hello?" Kate spoke once more.

Ethan cleared his throat, "hi, is this Kate?" He spoke awkwardly.

"Come on Nibbles, you rang me" Kate replied, you could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke.

"Oh, yes, of-of course it's you" Ethan stuttered in reply. Shooting a glance at Cal for help.

"So..." Kate spoke awkwardly.

"Yeah..." Ethan replied in the same awkward tone. Cal held his head in his hands as he cringed, "I'm sorry for calling you last night, I don't even know why I-" Kate cut him off.

"Oh no it's fine, it's nice to know someone's enjoying their Friday night, it gave me a bit of entertainment whilst I was sat eating Ben and Jerry's and watching rom-coms alone" she laughed in reply.

"Cookie dough Ben and Jerry's is by far the best" Ethan replied.

Cal rolled his eyes at him.

"That's what I had, it's my favourite too!" She replied causing Ethan to smile. Cal watched on amazed at the fact she hadn't put the phone down yet, "so you didn't reply to my text, how's your head this morning?" She asked.

"...aching" Ethan admitted, "I don't usually drink I don't know what came over me and I'm sorry for whatever I said" he told her.

"You really have no memory of last night do you?" She asked.

"I didn't even know I called you until I woke up to your text" Ethan told her honestly.

"Ah so I'm guessing the marriage proposal wasn't something to go by then?" She asked in a disappointed tone.

Ethan and Cal both looked at each other as their jaws hit the ground. Ethan held his head in his hand as a smirk grew across Cal's face.

"Ethan I'm joking" Katie called down the phone as she noticed silence fall over the conversation.

Ethan let out a huge sigh of relief, "oh thank god" he spat out, "not the I wouldn't want to marry you but, well obviously I'd want to get to know you first but I well, I wouldn't propose over the phone, I'm not that type of guy, well I don't suppose anyone is really are they? Actually, it wouldn't surprise me seeing how much relationships revolve around technology these days, its ridiculous isn't it? The-" Ethan's nervous verbal diarrhea was cut off by Cal who placed his hand over the phone so Kate couldn't hear.

"Stop talking." He spoke sternly.

"Sorry, I'm rambling" he told her but she just laughed.

"Okay so you might not have proposed last night, but you did ask me out for a drink so...how about it?" She asked, "I mean obviously when you've recovered from this awful _awful_ hangover you're currently experiencing" she teased.

"Way to go Ethan!" Cal whispered echoing his earlier words. He couldn't contain his excitement for his younger brother, he patted Ethan on the back in congratulations but he shoved him off.

"Kate..." Ethan began, "I'm sorry but I can't" he sighed.

"What?!" Cal spat out and Ethan shooed him away.

"Oh" Kate replied surprised, "haven't got a girlfriend have you?" She asked.

"No, no, I haven't" Ethan replied.

"Oh god, you've got a wife haven't you?" She spoke in dread.

"No nothing like that, I'm a single pringle" he told her and instantly kicked himself, who even says that?

"A single pringle who _isn't_ ready to mingle?" Kate replied disappointedly.

"Precisely" Ethan replied sadly, "I'm sorry again for all the calls I made to you last night and whatever I've probably embarrassed myself by saying, please just forget the entire thing happened, or at least try to...I won't bother you again, goodbye Kate" he put the phone down and rested his head back against the wall.

"What the hell was that?!" Cal shouted angrily.

"Shh Caleb my head is aching" Ethan winced in reply as he held his head.

"I don't care! What did you turn her down for?! She obviously has the hots for you, you're not going to find many people who'll put up with your pathetic rambling Ethan for God sake you've just let something that could turn out to be a long term thing go!" Cal told him in disbelief, "that was your chance to make your book come true Ethan, I can't believe you!" Cal shook his head.

"It wouldn't come true though would it?!" Ethan shouted, "I have far too much respect for Kate than to have her spoon feeding me by the age of fifty" he spat out, Cal looked at him warily, "it could happen" Ethan added, "Like I said before she deserves a long happy life surrounded by family, and I can't give her that. Going for a drink with her would be an awfully selfish thing to do" Ethan told him.

"Maybe she just wanted a fling Ethan? She's sat in her pyjamas stuffing her face with ice cream and watching crappy romantic movies alone on a Friday night, I think that was as much of a hint you're going to get, she'd much rather be spending her nights having sex Ethan, and you could be the person she has sex with" Cal told him but Ethan shook his head at the thought, "have you considered the fact she might not even want a family? Or to get married? I mean if she isn't one for spontaneous fun then I doubt she'd get much enjoyment out of that, maybe she just wants a boring life with someone who isn't spontaneous to spend it with. I can't think of anyone who is less spontaneous than you!" Cal spoke enthusiastically.

Ethan rolled his eyes at him, "I'm going back to bed, hopefully I can sleep this hangover off" he mumbled as he got up and wrapped himself in his duvet once more.

"So that's it with Kate is it?" Cal asked.

"Looks that way yes" Ethan replied, his voice muffled by the duvet, "real life Kate anyway, the Kate in my book is a different story" he added.

"Unbelievable" Cal shook head and stormed out, slamming Ethan's bedroom door as he left causing Ethan's head to ache even more.


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everyone! Finally here with the next chapter, I've had some issues with uploading recently not sure if it's the website or not but I apologise for your wait. Cal decides he'll help his brother out but will he just end up making everything worse? Find out in this chapter. Please let me know your thoughts as always, thanks, Kayxxx :)**

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The life I'll never have – Chapter five

Cal left Ethan to sleep off his hangover. A part of him wanted to just leave him to sort it out himself, but another part of him wanted to be there for him; obviously his mind wasn't in the right place right now with his diagnosis, right? Ethan obviously liked Kate, and Kate obviously liked Ethan but how could Cal help that? Well, he _could_ drive all the way to Kate's cafe and try and explain everything to her causing her to hopefully see through Ethan's diagnosis and see that they're meant to be together and spend the rest of their lives together thus meaning Ethan would be happy again...but that would be completely ridiculous, oh well worth a shot though right?

Cal walked into Kate's cafe after going over everything he wanted to say in his mind. He couldn't help but be disappointed when she wasn't anywhere to be seen. He looked at the counter to find a girl with blonde hair tied up in a messy bun serving a customer, she definitely wasn't Kate but she definitely was Cal's type. The long trip out of Holby now suddenly seemed worth it he thought to himself as he stood in the queue.

"Hi, what can I get for you?" She smiled at him.

 _"Your number"_ was the answer that sprung to Cal's mind but he wasn't here for him; he was here for Ethan. He had to keep reminding himself of that, even though this girl _was_ incredibly attractive and he could probably get her into his bed by tonight if he worked his charm... "I'm looking for Kate" he told her as he looked over her shoulder to the kitchen to see if there was any sign.

Disappointment was evident on the girl's face, "She's not in until later" she replied.

Cal nodded, "How late is 'later' exactly?" He asked.

"A good few hours" she replied.

"Right" Cal sighed.

"I can take a message for you?" She suggested.

"No don't do that!" Cal snapped suddenly, "there's no need" he replied more calmly.

"I could call her in if you want?" She asked.

"No, no, it's fine" Cal told her.

"Look can I get you something or not? You're holding up the queue" the girl spoke impatiently.

"I could kill a few hours in here right?" He examined the cafe, "a cute little cafe in the little of nowhere, seems...great" he tried to talk himself into it.

"Next please" the girl called over Cal's shoulder.

"I'll have a coffee please" Cal told her with a cheeky grin.

She sighed deeply but she couldn't resist Cal's charm, "I'll bring it over" she smiled.

"Thanks" Cal looked her up and down before he wondered off to find a seat.

He sat by the window and pulled out his phone to find it had no signal.

"There you go" the girl smiled as she placed his coffee down on the table before him.

"Thanks" he replied but he was too interested in his phone, "do you not get signal here?" He asked.

"Nope" she replied.

"What? Like never?" He asked bewildered as he looked up at her.

"It's very rare" she told him; "if you go out there and stand under the third tree to the right of the lamppost you should get a few bars" she pointed out the window.

"Wow" Cal shook his head amazed.

"Oh you're definitely a city boy aren't you?" She chuckled as she put one hand on her hip.

Cal smiled as he watched her, "I'm from Holby" he told her.

"Holby? That's quite a way away; Kate brought you all this way? She must be important" she teased.

"She is" Cal replied, "but not to me, to my brother, well, she, he, it's hard to explain without it sounding completely mad...I'm single, that's all you have to know" he winked.

"Great" she blushed, "well not great I mean..." She trailed off awkwardly.

"I know what you mean" Cal smirked as he took a sip of his coffee but he grimaced when he tasted how strong it was.

"You looked like you could do with a strong coffee" she told him.

"Well thanks" Cal replied sarcastically as he frowned down at his cup.

"Late night?" She asked.

"Is it that obvious?" Cal laughed, "You look like you could do with a night out" he told her.

"Ah I don't get much time, if I'm not working here I'm at the farm helping my parents out" she explained.

"You're far too pretty to be a farmer" he smiled.

"Got something against farmers have you?!" She snapped.

Cal's face dropped, "what? No! I um, I meant-" she cut him off with a chuckle.

"I'm messing with you" she laughed, "what's your name?" She asked.

"Caleb, but you can call me Cal" he told her.

"I'm Amy" she held her hand out and he shook it, "you're definitely not a farmer with those hands, they're far too soft" she examined them; "it wouldn't surprise me if you get manicures" she laughed.

"I'm a doctor" he smiled.

"Oh wow" she spoke impressed as she dropped his hand.

"Yeah, that place can sometimes feel like a farmyard though so close enough" he joked causing her to laugh. They paused for a moment as they looked at each other, both seeming to get lost in the other's eyes. "So Amy...how about I treat you to that much needed night out-" Cal's charming was cut off by an old man who stood at the counter.

"Is anyone serving here or what?!" He shouted over to Amy furiously.

"Yes me! I'll be right over" she called back, "excuse me" she smiled at Cal and wondered off.

Cal was so close to getting a date with Amy, he secretly hated that old guy at the counter, he heard him order a bacon sandwich to which Cal replied with _"oh don't choke on it, what a shame that would be"_ sarcastically in his head as he took another sip of his coffee and desperately searched for something to keep him occupied on his phone with no signal for these few hours of waiting.

Those good few hours had past and Kate made her way into the café.

"Hey" Amy smiled as she pulled off her apron and handed it to Kate.

"Thanks" Kate smiled as she put it on.

"Oh you've got a visitor" Amy told her as she pointed over to Cal who had his head in his arms resting against the table.

"Who the hell's that?" Kate asked confused.

"His name is Cal apparently, he seems eager to talk to you, he's been sat there for hours and he's dealing with a hangover, hence the fact he's currently passed out" Amy explained with a chuckle.

"Right" Kate replied awkwardly.

"Let me know how it goes anyway" Amy told her as she wrote something down on a napkin and made her way to the door.

"What's that?" Kate asked her confused.

"He's pretty cute" Amy smirked as she placed the napkin down on the table next to sleeping Cal, she gave him a tap on the back and then swiftly left as he pulled his head out of his hands and looked around confused. He groaned as he ran his hands through his hair. He then noticed the napkin with Amy's number on it, _"Fancy taking a farm girl into the city for a night?"_ It read with a winky face. Cal smiled to himself and placed the napkin in his pocket.

"Same again?" Kate asked as she picked up his cup.

"No thanks" Cal replied as he still smiled to himself but then realisation soon grew over him, "Kate!" He spat out.

"Yeah?" She replied awkwardly.

"Ah it's you" Cal smiled, "I've been waiting all day" he told her.

She looked at him warily, "That's quite weird you know that right? I swear if you're a stalker-" Cal cut her off.

"No, no, we've met before" Cal told her but she still looked on edge, "I came in looking for directions about a month or so ago, I was with my mum who was in a wheelchair and my brother, Nibbles?" He spoke trying to jog her memory.

"Ohhh" she spoke in realisation, "I was on the phone to him this morning actually" she told him.

"Yeah...yeah I know" Cal replied awkwardly, "that's why I'm here" he added.

"Is he here too?" She asked.

"No" Cal told her.

"Ah so he's sent you to apologise has he? Too ashamed to show his face?" She scoffed, "he made me feel like a right idiot" she shook her head.

"No actually he has no idea I'm here at all, I left him in bed sleeping off that hangover" he added with a smirk.

"Oh" Kate replied, "well what do you want?" She asked.

"I was wondering if I could have a word" Cal stated.

"You've come all this way for a word?" She asked.

"Well, several words actually, more like a conversation" Cal joked causing her to smirk.

Kate looked over at the counter and then back to Cal and sighed, "Fine" she took a seat facing him, "but if a costumer comes in our word will have to wait" she told him.

"Understood" Cal nodded.

"So are you here to explain why your brother acted like such an idiot?" Kate looked at him straight faced.

"...Yes" Cal replied and then he laughed to himself.

"What?" Kate asked confused as to why he was laughing.

"You know all my life I've heard many names used to describe my brother but idiot has never been one of them" He shook his head with a smirk.

Kate rolled her eyes and then stood up, "Look I don't really want to hear this I need to work-" Cal cut her off.

"No Kate, sit down please just hear me out, you'll _want_ to hear this" Cal promised.

Kate sat back down and looked at him warily.

"My brother, he...he's going through a tough time right now" Cal started.

"Aren't we all?" Kate scoffed.

"Yes but, he's going through a different type of tough, I can guarantee it" Cal told her. She looked at him intrigued at to what he was getting at and Cal looked at her wondering how the hell he was going to tell her, if it was this hard for Cal to say it how hard must it be for Ethan? "He's just found out that he's-" he cut himself off; he literally couldn't bring himself to say it. _"He has Huntington's disease!"_ He shouted in his head but his mouth couldn't just say the words.

"...He's?" Kate asked impatiently.

Cal looked at her awkwardly, "moving away" he spat out the first thing that came to his mind.

Kate looked at him confused.

"And the reason he turned you down is because he's leaving Holby and he didn't want to string you along" He told her.

"Right" Kate nodded.

"He really does like you but he just didn't want to hurt you by starting up something that will never be" Cal explained, he now understood Ethan's point of view completely.

"So...you've come all this way just to tell me that?" Kate frowned.

"Yeah" Cal replied.

Kate thought for a moment before she looked up at Cal, "well thanks but, I think you really need to find a better way to spend your time" she told him as she stood up to leave.

Cal sighed deeply to himself and squeezed his eyes tight, why didn't he just tell her the truth?! "He's ill!" Cal finally spat out.

Kate froze and slowly turned around to face him.

"Everything I just said then was a lie and I'm sorry, he's ill, that's why I'm here, that's what I need to tell you" Cal told her.

"Ill?" She asked as she made her way back to him, "how ill?" She asked as she took a seat.

"Very" Cal replied, "Look Kate, do you like my brother yes or no? Because if you don't then there's no point in even telling you" Cal explained.

"Of course I like him; he's the only guy I've liked in...A while" she told Cal honestly.

"So he's special?" He asked.

She thought for a moment before she replied, "yeah I suppose he is" she replied honestly, "when he rang me last night I actually got butterflies, don't you _dare_ tell him that but, I've never gotten butterflies for anyone before" she smiled as she thought.

Cal smiled at her; God she was so perfect for Ethan.

"What's wrong with him Cal?" She asked worryingly.

Cal took a deep breath, he had to say it there was no going back now, "he has Huntington's disease" he finally said it, Kate froze as she looked at him with concern etched on her face, "it means over time his body will basically just give up on him and shut down" he explained.

"Your mum in the wheelchair" Kate stated.

Cal nodded, "that's what she had" he sighed, "he found out that day that it'd been past down to him" he added.

"That must've been so hard" she shook her head.

"It was, he's still not dealing well if I'm being honest, he's just locked himself away and he's writing this book about-" he cut himself off when he realised how weird it would sound that his brother was writing a book pretty much about him and Kate, "he's just thrown himself into writing essays for work and stuff" Cal saved himself, "he's barely spoken to me since he found out but he, wanted to go out for a drink last night so we did and well...you know the rest" Cal trailed off.

"I can't believe it" Kate spoke out, she seemed genuinely upset.

"Yeah, me either" Cal muttered.

"But why couldn't he go out for a drink with me?" Kate asked, "I mean I understand he might not be in the right headspace right now but a good night out is usually the cure for that is it not?" She shrugged, "like he's not suffering with it _right now_ right? It takes years doesn't it?" She asked

"Yeah it may not come on him until he's 50 odd, but it may happen tomorrow...there's no telling, but when it does it won't be pretty, it will come to a point where he literally won't be able to do anything for himself anymore" Cal replied sadly, she nodded as she listened. He looked at her warily, "the reason he turned you down was because he was worried in case he led you on in any way" he told her she looked at him confused, "he doesn't want kids because Huntington's is hereditary and he wouldn't want to pass it down and he knows that's a big ask if someone" Cal explained.

Kate nodded, "well not like our drink would lead to kids but I wasn't really planning on having any more kids anyway" she told him.

Cal's jaw dropped, "I'm sorry? ' _More_ kids'?" He asked surprised.

"I've got a three year old daughter" She told him sheepishly.

"...right" Cal spoke awkwardly.

"Her name's Tilly" she added.

"Tilly?" Cal smiled, "sort for Matilda?" He asked; he instantly thought of their adoptive mother.

"Yeah, it was my grandmother's name" Kate smiled.

"Wait, I thought you'd never felt butterflies with anyone before? Yet you've got a kid!" Cal spat out.

"That doesn't mean that mistakes can happen on drunken nights out when you're nineteen" he mumbled.

Cal nodded understandingly but then he looked at her confused, "You've got a three year old and you were nineteen when you had her?" Cal asked.

"Twenty" she corrected him.

"You're young" he stated, she was only 23.

Kate pulled out her phone and clicked a button showing off her lock screen, "that's her" she smiled, "she's the most important person in my life" she told him, he could see the pride she had for her.

"She's lovely" Cal smiled, she looked just like Kate, she had long curly black hair, olive coloured skin and green eyes, this was the difference between the two; Kate's eyes were brown.

"Having a three year old usually puts every guy off" she told him.

"Well if I know my brother as well as I do, he'll be thrilled" Cal smiled, "he definitely isn't one to judge" he added.

Kate smiled as she placed her phone back in her pocket, "thanks for coming Cal, I understand everything a lot more now...sorry for calling your brother an idiot" she told him.

"So...?" Cal waited.

"So what?" Kate replied confused.

"So are you going to call him?" Cal asked.

Kate looked at him awkwardly, "that's why you're here? I thought you just wanted to explain why he turned me down not ask me to ask him out again!" she spat out.

"Well, why not?" Cal shrugged.

"He's already turned me down once, why would he say yes all of a sudden?" Kate replied.

"I'll talk him into it" Cal smiled.

"I don't know Cal" she replied uneasily.

"I thought you liked him?" Cal huffed.

"I did- I do" she corrected herself, "I just need to get to grips with everything you've just told me Cal do you honestly think I can just over look this?" She asked amazed.

"Well I thought if I explained then-" she cut him off.

"What explained the guy I like has got a terminal illness and could end up immobilised anytime from now until forever?" Kate spat out.

"He really likes you Kate" Cal told her sincerely.

"Cal I barely know him, I've seen you more times than I've seen him" she told him; that _was_ true.

"Kate please...just call him" Cal pleaded.

"I'm going to work now Cal, I suggest you leave" she spoke firmly and stood up.

"Kate" he called as he stood up to leave, she turned to face him, "don't mention anything please...he's still exactly the same person, nothing's changed" he spoke carefully.

She shook her head, "everything's changed Cal" she whispered.

Cal watched her walk away and suddenly he was hit with the thought that this might have been a huge mistake, he could've just scared Kate off for good...he sighed deeply and stormed out of the cafe to head home. He and Ethan were due to start the night shift in less than two hours, he had to get his priorities straight.

"Hey" Cal called as he made his way through the door, "Ethan?" He called no surprise he was still in bed. He opened his brother's bedroom door to find Ethan typing on his computer; of course. He looked rougher than he did this morning which was something Cal didn't think was possible, "are you getting ready? We're in work in half an hour" Cal told him.

"I'm not going in today, I've already called up" Ethan replied.

"You've called in sick?" Cal asked shocked.

"Yeah" Ethan replied as he typed away.

"Why?" Cal asked, "you've never called in sick for anything in your life, even on teacher training days in school you'd still go in in case you got the wrong date and didn't want to miss out, you _never_ stay off" he announced confused.

"Yeah, well, people change" Ethan shrugged, "I need time to focus on me; I can't spend my life working, what use is that?" He asked.

"So you've lied?" Cal stated, Ethan never was one for lying and getting accused of it tended to hit a nerve.

"Not necessarily, I don't really feel up to having patients vomiting on me from drinking last night, I feel it may trigger me to do the same" Ethan told him.

"So you've got a hangover?" Cal asked.

"Well if you're giving it a name" Ethan shrugged.

"I can't believe you" Cal shook his head.

"Why are you making such a big thing out of it?" Ethan snapped as he slammed down his laptop, "you do it all the time" he told him as he got out of bed.

"Yeah but I'm not you...you're the good one, you said it yourself" Cal shouted.

"I just want some time to myself, that's all" Ethan sighed as he brushed past him.

But Cal wasn't going to let this slip that easily, "what so we're going to be a doctor down tonight just because you want sometime to yourself?" Cal followed him through to the living room, "you're just being selfish" he spat out.

"Yeah maybe I am!" Ethan shouted as he spun around to face him, "for the first time in my life I'm being selfish Caleb and I don't want to be made to feel guilty for that" he snapped, "You're always selfish, all the time. Yet when I want to give it a whirl you act like it's going to kick off world war three!" He shouted.

"I'm selfish?" Cal scoffed, "I'm selfish?!" He raised his voice this time; if only his brother knew he'd sat waiting in a cafe in the middle of nowhere for hours to talk Kate into calling him. Ethan looked at him unimpressed. "Ugh I'm going to work, have fun writing your stupid story" Cal snapped and slammed the door as he left.


End file.
